Answer 1

You know the honeymoon is over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights. And so does she...

Answer 2

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
40 pounds

Answer 3

A husband says "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her..."

Answer 4

What is it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage

Answer 5

What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?
"Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?"

Answer 6

A man was crying at the foot of a gravestone in a cemetary. "Why did you have to die?" he sobbed. Another man walked by and asked "I'm sorry for your loss -- was he your father?" "No, he was my wife's first husband!"

Answer 7

One guy says to the other "So how did that fight with your wife end?"

"Oh, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees!" the other says.

"Well, what did she say?"

"Get out from under the bed!"

Answer 8

A husband and wife are having a fight on their 40th anniversary.

The husband shouts "When you die I'm getting you a headstone that says 'Here Lies my Wife -- Cold as Ever.'"

His wife snaps back "Well, when you kick the bucket I'm getting one that says 'Here Lies my Husband -- Stiff at Last!'"

Answer 9

A man placed an ad in the classifieds saying "Wife Wanted." The next day he got hundreds of responses. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"

Answer 10

Wife (looking lovingly into her husband's eyes): What did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?
Husband: I don't know but I'll never do it again!

Answer 11

Which food decreases a woman's sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake

Answer 12

Why doesn't anyone ask about your sex life when you're married?
They know you don't have one!

Answer 13

Husband: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: Take half and leave your ass!
Husband: Great! I won $12. Here's 6 - now get out!

Answer 14

T-Shirt: "I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me."

Answer 15

Father-in-law: Young man, can you support a family?
Man: No. I was just planning on supporting your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves!

Answer 16

Husband: I can't remember the last time we made love.
Wife: I can. That's why we're not doing it again!

Answer 17

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing... He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing!

Answer 18

"Women view a relationship like a garden. You have to work on it for it to grow into something beautiful. Men view a relationship like a car. Once they've made a commitment to buy one, they expect it to go at least 5 years without any serious maintenance."
-Red Green

Answer 19

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married. By then it was too late.

Answer 20

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
A widow.

Answer 21

"I could see being married one day... two days tops."

Answer 22

A married couple finds a wishing well. The man leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife also decides to make a wish but she leans too far over, falls into the well, and drowns. The husband says "Wow, it really works!"

Answer 23

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Answer 24

A little boy asked his father how it cost to get married. The father replied "I don't know son -- I'm still paying."

Answer 25

A man complained to his friend "I had it all... money, a huge house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then pow! It was all gone."

"What happened?" his friend asked. The man told him "my wife found out."

Answer 26

Why are bachelors thin and married men fat?
Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married men come home, check to see what's in bed, and then go to the fridge.

Answer 27

A woman says "I was married to Bill for 3 months. I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober..."

Answer 28

A child at a Christian school was studying the beginnings of Mormonism. He wrote in his paper "early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called 'polygamy.' Christians believe in having only one wife. This is called 'monotony.'"

Answer 29

A guy was telling his friend "I can't break my wife of her habit of staying up until 5 a.m. in the morning." His friend asked what she was doing. "Waiting for me to get home," the guy said.

Answer 30

Why do you live like a nun after getting married?
NUN in the morning, NUN in the afternoon, NUN in the evening, NUN whatsoever!

Answer 31

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear your briefs, don't you?

Answer 32

A woman walks into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. She tells the clerk "it's for my husband." The clerk asks  "did he tell you which gauge to get?" She says "are you kidding me? He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him!"

Answer 33

The ideal life for many men...
Son on the cover of a Wheaties box.
Mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
Wife pictured on the back of a milk carton!

Answer 34

There was a lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell!

Answer 35

There's a new men's magazine just for married men. It's like Playboy and Penthouse but the centerfold is the same month after month after month!

Answer 36

Husband: Will you marry after I die?
Wife: No, I'll live with my sister. Will you marry after I die?
Husband: No. I'll also live with your sister.

Answer 37

The tri stages of sex in marriage:
1. Tri-weekly
2. Try-weekly
3. Try-weakly

Answer 38

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?
Bob: Uh, I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

Answer 39

Wife: Before we were married we had something special and wonderful. What happened to it?
Husband: You spent it all.

Answer 40

Make love, not war (or if you want to do both get married!).

Answer 41

Husband: Honey, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday.
Wife: Well, if you really love me you'll bring me something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

The husband agrees. The next day:

Wife: Where's my present?
Husband: It's in the driveway.

His wife excitedly runs out to the driveway and finds a weight scale.

Answer 42

Wife: Before we married, you told me you were well-off.
Husband: I was, I just didn't know it at the time.

Answer 43

If your father is a poor man it's your fate. If your father-in-law is a poor man it's your stupidity.

Answer 44

Answer 45

"I asked my girlfriend's father for her hand in marriage. He said...

Answer 46

What is the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a...

Answer 47

"I didn't always have money. At one time I didn't know where my...

Answer 48

What is the longest sentence in the English language? "I do."

Answer 49

Why does the bride always wear white? So the dishwasher matches...