Answer 1

What were Jack Bauer's first words as a baby?
"There's no time!"

Answer 2

Donald Trump is Jack Bauer's apprentice.

Answer 3

When Jack Bauer taught his dog to play dead the dog actually died.

Answer 4

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Answer 7

Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right... Too bad he's never wrong.

Answer 8

How does Jack Bauer pick up women?
He tells them "you've read my file. You know what I am capable of."

Answer 9

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads "What Would Jack Bauer Do?"

Answer 10

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg!

Answer 11

Jack Bauer is sorry for your loss but he needs to focus on the primary objective now.

Answer 12

When Jack Bauer goes to Hooters he orders the waitress for dessert.

Answer 13

Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Answer 14

Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was just getting too easy.

Answer 15

If you're riding in a car with Jack Bauer never yell shotgun.

Answer 16

The last man on Earth will be Jack Bauer... only because he ran out of people to kill.

Answer 17

Jack Bauer is the only guy who can get away with killing his girlfriend's ex-husband and still have her fall for him.

Answer 18

Jack Bauer doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Answer 19

There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those who fear Jack Bauer and those who are Jack Bauer.

Answer 20

When the President presses the big "Easy" button on his desk Jack Bauer's phone rings.

Answer 21

Jack Bauer tortured his mother when he was a kid to find the location of his Christmas presents.

Answer 22

Jack Bauer doesn't care for names. Every entry in his address book is just labeled "Son of a Bitch."

Answer 23

Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.

Answer 24

What were Jack Bauer's first words after the doctor slapped him as a baby?
"Son of a Bitch!"

Answer 25

Why was Jack Bauer born the same day he was conceived?
Jack Bauer never takes more than an hour to get out of the hole.

Answer 26

Jeeves asks Jack Bauer.

Answer 27

Mimes tell Jack Bauer who they work for.

Answer 28

Jack Bauer doesn't have to blow in his old Nintendo cartridges to make them work.

Answer 29

It only took 3 minutes for Jack Bauer to figure out Victoria's secret.

Answer 30

Every page of Jack Bauer's day planner reads "Save the World Again."

Answer 31

The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.

Answer 32

Geico just saved a bunch of money on their car insurance by switching to Jack Bauer!

Answer 33

Jack Bauer let the dogs out.

Answer 34

Jack Bauer could go see Brokeback Mountain and no one would look at him funny.

Answer 35

Jack Bauer makes emo kids smile.

Answer 36

If Jack Bauer were gay a lot more women would be getting sex changes.

Answer 37

Jack Bauer has more lives than Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, B, A, Start.

Answer 38

Nobody says "hit me" when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Answer 39

Jack Bauer can actually listen to his girlfriend talk.

Answer 40

Someone once tried to tell Jack Bauer a "Knock Knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamn bomb was!

Answer 41

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Answer 42

If Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off security gives him a gun.

Answer 43

There's no such thing as lesbians - just women who have never met Jack Bauer.

Answer 44

Jack Bauer made Helen Keller talk.

Answer 45

Why did Jack Bauer name his cat "Chuck Norris?"
Because he's a pussy.

Answer 46

If Jack Bauer was gay his name would be Chuck Norris!

Answer 47

Jack Bauer is the only government employee with the 24 hours on and 2 years off work schedule.

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Answer 51

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won...

Answer 52

God: Let there be light! Chuck Norris: Say please.

Answer 53

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

Answer 54

G.I. Joe has Chuck Norris action figures.

Answer 55

Answer 56

Homer: "The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a...