Answer 1

What is the difference between a group of lawyers driving a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside!

Answer 2

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off their head.

Answer 3

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was repeatedly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice about their ailments.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking for free legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them" said the lawyer "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked but agreed to try it. The next day, still feeling guilty, the doctor filled out the bills. When he went to mail them in his mailbox he found a bill from the lawyer.

Answer 4

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

Answer 5

What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

Answer 6

What is the difference between lawyers and vampires?
A vampire will only suck blood at night.

Answer 7

How can you tell if a lawyer is well-hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Answer 8

How do you know if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Answer 9

What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop fucking you once you are dead!

Answer 10

How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side. Then he lies on the other.

Answer 11

How are lawyers like sperm?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Answer 12

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

Answer 13

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!

Answer 14

How to be a good lawyer:
1. When the law is against you argue the facts.
2. When the facts are against you argue the law.
3. When both are against you call the other lawyers names.

Answer 15

Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet underground?
Because deep down they're really nice guys.

Answer 16

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the chair, one to screw it in and one to write the liability insurance.

Answer 17

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum-sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Answer 18

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Answer 19

A guy walked into a bar and shouted "lawyers are assholes!" Another guy walked over and yelled at him "hey, I resent that statement!"

"Are you a lawyer?" the first guy asked him.

The man replied "no, I'm an asshole!"

Answer 20

What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.

Answer 21

Why did the postal service recall the new series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.

Answer 22

Lawyer: I am suing you for defamation of character.
Defendant: But you have no character!?

Answer 23

You're stuck in an elevator with a lion, a tiger, and a lawyer. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead!

Answer 24

Make crime pay. Be a lawyer.

Answer 25

What do an apple and a lawyer have in common? They both look good...

Answer 26

What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? The tie...

Answer 27

What is the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? The...

Answer 28

You know you need a new lawyer when he warns a hostile witness...

Answer 29

Attorney: Do you believe you are emotionally stable? Witness:...